Cursed Blessings
I want to jump, I want to run,
I want to fly to a far away land,
And tell the whole world of my blessing.
Clad in sparkling white, the nurse hands me the baby.
Am all smiles and laughter,
My ear to ear smile never letting loose.
I see myself in its closed eyes,
Clenched fists,
Adorable nose.
That innocent look,
I want to get lost in its face.
For a moment am oblivious of my troubles,
And as I force my way into my mother's hut,
Crowded faces greet me with forced grins,
Nobody moves, not an inch.
Am statued at the doorway,
Expecting in vain for everyone to jump in jubilation.
1 minute, 2 minutes, 3 minutes,
Nothing.
It now feels like forever.
My lips are suddenly gray,
My forehead sweaty.
I can't help but notice the empty stares,
Misdirected giggles
Accusing eyes.
I want to scream and get lost,
Yet I want to remain insitu. For a moment I want solitude,
But this is too much a crowd.
I sense hate in the air,
Never ending agony.
I hurriedly place the kid on my mother's lap,
And wait for judgement to pass like a sledgehammer.
There's a sharp wail from the centre of the room,
A wail, not ululation.
I want to crawl out of my skin,
Am a foreigner to my erotic self.
Mama releases the baby to the floor,
Too quick to be saved by my feeble hands,
And as it crashes to the floor,
My whole world collapses within.
Covered in tears,
I cry in anguish and roll on the mud floor,
And when I finally pull myself together,
Everyone else is gone.
Alone and cold,
I stagger out of the room,
The body of what used to be my kid some minutes ago,
Now lies lifeless in my arms.
One final look into its eyes,
I see my father,
Yes, my father.
Cursed blessings.
I want to fly to a far away land,
And tell the whole world of my blessing.
Clad in sparkling white, the nurse hands me the baby.
Am all smiles and laughter,
My ear to ear smile never letting loose.
I see myself in its closed eyes,
Clenched fists,
Adorable nose.
That innocent look,
I want to get lost in its face.
For a moment am oblivious of my troubles,
And as I force my way into my mother's hut,
Crowded faces greet me with forced grins,
Nobody moves, not an inch.
Am statued at the doorway,
Expecting in vain for everyone to jump in jubilation.
1 minute, 2 minutes, 3 minutes,
Nothing.
It now feels like forever.
My lips are suddenly gray,
My forehead sweaty.
I can't help but notice the empty stares,
Misdirected giggles
Accusing eyes.
I want to scream and get lost,
Yet I want to remain insitu. For a moment I want solitude,
But this is too much a crowd.
I sense hate in the air,
Never ending agony.
I hurriedly place the kid on my mother's lap,
And wait for judgement to pass like a sledgehammer.
There's a sharp wail from the centre of the room,
A wail, not ululation.
I want to crawl out of my skin,
Am a foreigner to my erotic self.
Mama releases the baby to the floor,
Too quick to be saved by my feeble hands,
And as it crashes to the floor,
My whole world collapses within.
Covered in tears,
I cry in anguish and roll on the mud floor,
And when I finally pull myself together,
Everyone else is gone.
Alone and cold,
I stagger out of the room,
The body of what used to be my kid some minutes ago,
Now lies lifeless in my arms.
One final look into its eyes,
I see my father,
Yes, my father.
Cursed blessings.
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